Walk On

Although we're back to the cold here in New England, it has been unseasonably warm over the past two days. As many of you know, I hate the cold. Don't get me wrong. I love a good snowfall in December. It looks pretty, we laugh, play in it, and shovel it. And then I'm ready for it to go away and for the flowers to start blooming. So when the "mild" weather hit (it was upper 50's last Thursday and Friday), I couldn't wait to get outside!

Since I've been pregnant, I've taken my workout routine down many, many notches. I was a big runner, (I've run 5 marathons), and I plan to run again after I deliver this little bean that is growing inside me. You betcha I will be that lady with the baby jogger, so watch out! But right now, running just doesn't feel right. I know many doctors say that it is safe to continue a pre-pregnancy fitness routine within reason, but for me, that just won't work.

What many of you may not know is that I had a miscarriage back in early October. I went for runs in the very early stages of that pregnancy, and I had very, very bad cramps and abdominal pain. The pain when away when I stopped running, but it was concerning. At the time, I chalked it up to "loose joints" and a bad day, but I now see that perhaps there was something wrong with the pregnancy right from the start. I miscarried at about 8 weeks, and since then, I haven't really run at all. I know that it wasn't anything that I did that caused the miscarriage--and it certainly wasn't the running. At about 6 and a half weeks, I learned my HCG levels were low, and when three blood tests and a week later, the HCG levels dropped (they should double every 24 to 48 hours in the first 8 to 10 weeks of pregnancy), a nurse at my (former) OB/GYN (very crudely) informed me that I would be "bleeding soon."

There were many difficult parts about learning of the miscarriage. The first was the reality of it. I am healthy and active, and I never, never, ever thought it would happen to me. I remember the nurse at my first appointment telling me that miscarriage happens to one in four or five women, and I distinctly remember thinking, "Why are you telling me this? This doesn't apply to me." There was the awful way I learned about the miscarriage. Hearing "Are you bleeding? Well, you will be soon." Is not really a sensitive way to inform a patient (over the phone no less!) of such sad news. Never hearing back from the doctor until two days later also didn't help. Oddly, the miscarriage itself wasn't as bad as I expected. Yes, there was pain, and unlike what people told me, it was was more than just a "really heavy period." By that point, however, I had come to terms with it, and I just wanted it to happen so that I could begin to heal and move on.

The absolute worst part was having a weekly blood test until my HCG level was at 4 or less. I am still not 100% sure why it has to be monitored, but I had to go to the phlebotomist (is this even a word?) every week for three or four weeks to get my blood drawn. It seemed that just when I was starting to feel better, I had to re-live the experience again. Finally, my level was less than two. I could really heal and be rid of my old OB/GYN.

Throughout the experience I was lucky to have the support of Dan, close family and friends, and of course, as a therapist-in-training, a real therapist. Everyone who has had a miscarriage handles it differently and may feel different emotions. I'm glad I had so much support, and I hope that other women who have gone through a miscarriage or are going through one have the support they need. I understand how difficult it is to talk about it. It was for me. It was hard to tell people about it because it was upsetting for me. But I do wish it isn't such a taboo subject in our society. Miscarriage is so common. Why is it so taboo? I wish more women would share their stories as a way to help others. This experience inspired me to someday start groups for women or parents who have lost children. And since I'm on my soap box, why do we say things like "She lost the baby." That suggests blame. I didn't lose anything. I believe the miscarriage was nature's way of telling me things just weren't right.

But now at 15 and a half weeks, things are going great! And instead of going for a run last Thursday and Friday, I decided to go for a walk around our neighborhood. It was nice to be outside and to use those same muscles I would have otherwise used while running. It was very relaxing, and it reminded me of why I used to like running so much: being outside and away from the noise of a crowed gym. Sometimes I like being by myself in the quiet of the outdoors. Guess I better enjoy it. Come August, I think both quiet and alone time will be hard to come by!

Nanny No More

I am a nanny for several different families. I've sat for many different types and ages of kids and have been in all sorts of sticky situations. When I found out I was pregnant, I decided to keep my two nannying jobs as well as my new job at the spa and my 22 hour a week internship. Besides being incredibly draining (especially after going from an eight hour internship directly to nannying for four hours), and some whiny kids, it was okay. Until yesterday. 

I won't get into to the details, but basically, for the second time in the last three weeks, I was hit intentionally by a child (under the age of 10) in my abdomen region. The first time it didn't hurt and wasn't really a "punch" per se. The second time was with the sole of my pretty hefty Ugg boot, and this time, it hurt. I was extremely upset to say the least. While I (thankfully) only had temporary pain and no additional pain, cramping, or bleeding, I still called the on-call doctor at my ob/gyn who suggested I come in today for additional reassurance. I went in today for a check up and listened to our little bean's heartbeat. All sounds good, and everyone is doing fine.

This incident, however, reminded me of my limits. Despite what I might want to do, there are things that I just can't physically (or even emotionally) do now that I'm pregnant. I realized that I can't work 12 or 14 hour days, as much as I might want to or want the money. I am too tired, and I get too dehydrated and hungry. I end up coming home and crying out of sheer exhaustion. I will be the first to admit that I am stubborn sometimes, but I'm also not good at advocating for myself and stating what I need. But it's so much more important now. I'm not just advocating for myself. I'm advocating for our baby, too. He or she needs me to rest and take care of myself. I can't be afraid to stand up for myself and ask for what I need. There's nothing wrong with that. If it costs me a job, I'll have to find another one. But I've decided that there will be no more nannying. I don't care how much it "inconveniences" the parents. Find someone else. I'm hanging up my nannying hat for good.

"Midnight" Cravings

During the first trimester, I was hungry all the time. Now, I still have a pretty good appetite, but I try to eat every few hours so that I don't get too hungry. I also try to go to sleep early so that I get plenty of rest. The problem lately has been that I wake up starving at 3:30 or 4:30 am. I'm so hungry that I can't fall back to sleep unless I eat something! So I have been keeping saltines on my nightstand. I am totally disgusted by this. Here I am, in bed, eating and getting crumbs all over myself and the sheets. The other night I had to open the package a little bit more to get to the crackers, and the crinkling of the package woke Dan up. He was like, "what are you doing?" Eating. In bed. At 4 am. I can't believe it has come to this. : )

Back to the blog, thanks to the "bump."

As many of you know, I am an experienced blogger. I previously blogged about marathoning, but now I've moved on to babies, or rather, at this moment, pregnancy because . . . Dan and I are expecting. That's right, I am pregnant! I am about 13 weeks along, and now that I am out of the first trimester, I'm feeling much better. My due date is currently set for August 8th, and no, we don't know what we're having yet, and yes, we're planning on finding out the sex (if our baby lets us!). The next ultrasound won't be until the end of March, and that is when we'll find out the sex. We won't have more pictures until then, but in the meantime, here is a close up of our baby!

I'll try to post frequently, so check back for updates, or follow the blog by clicking to the right!